my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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