Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize