peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
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They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
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No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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