girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
