everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
