I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
