So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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