im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
