I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I faked an abortion last night.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
