My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
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You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
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Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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