If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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