I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
