i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
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So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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