Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
