just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
