I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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