I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
