Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
