I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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