her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
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The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
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Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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