At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
