We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Randomize
