I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
