seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
