i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
