Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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