I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
