you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
