Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
