Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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