i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
