The best revenge is premature balding
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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