she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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