Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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