Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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