I can feel you judging me through the phone.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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