I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
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