bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
We were destined to go to rehab together
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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