I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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