I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
