happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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