i think my mom watched the whole time
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
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you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
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Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.