Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Randomize
