Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
