your thong is hanging out like whoa
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
