My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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