My brain says no but my pants say off.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
