Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Randomize
