Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
