This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
