Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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