Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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