you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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