The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
