I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
